Hiding, hiding, hard to find
My words are lost, they’ve been trapped in time
My brain a sponge, dried and crumbling
I used to be smart
I used to be new
I used to be open
I used to know what to do
Combat beauty queen is who I used to be
Love I once found so easily
My heart has been shut and strapped leather bound
Gone baby gone
Now my brain hurts
My heart is beating
Can’t find sleep because I can’t stop thinking
Four times I’ve rhymed, which I never do
I found a secret hidden in blue
I only ‘slept’ total of 3 hours last night but I did dream. Wilson woke me up 3 different times, I had 3 dreams, 2 with jaredleto (vaguely remember the good one) and the one I do remember I want to forget.
I think I was with my friend Kara, we were running from this killer who was also being chased by the police. The highway’s bridge ran through the middle of town and where we lived is where the bridge’s access ladder was, I was almost to the ground, Kara was halfway to the apartment, the helicopters spotlight was on the guy, as I looked up to see where he was, he had stopped, police grabbed him, he had a water bottle in his hand, as he emptied the contents, I assumed was water, fell over me as my feet hit the ground…I began to run and I heard him shout “you think you stopped me (laughs) you still can’t save her (laughs) she will die from the inside out”
I’m out if breath, wet, get inside and my skin starts to burn, only it’s not visible. I looked at Kara and the other guys in my apartment (mixture of 30secondstomars, the Big Bang theory guys, old school friends of mine) music stopped and they all stared at me. Some guy with thick black glasses on tells me “seems to me like it was acid, take a bath, quick” (duh, should’ve been vinegar my awake self corrects)
This bathroom was pretty sweet, red walls, old Victorian paintings as well as the tub, dimmed the lights, put on my meditation music and tried to ignore the fact that my body was on fire.
The more I relaxed, the worse it became. I finally opened my eyes and sat up, the water was turning red. There were tiny holes beginning to open on my body and the blood was pooling out of them, trying to escape the pain.
You would think at this point I would panic, I tried to get out of the tub to get help but when I stood up a section of skin on my legs shifted and the blood pooled faster, I slowly sat back in the tub and came to grips that I was going to die. (She will die from the inside out) It was very serene and unnerving…..then Wilson wakes me up by heaving….sad but true.
This was very graphic and very real…I hate lucid dreams like this.
I was talking to my mom earlier, wondering if she had watched the Oscars last night. To my surprise, she did. I got all giddy and asked her what she thought of jaredleto speech. She started to answer but then got sidetracked and started talking about Dallas Buyers Club. She and my stepfather finally watched it, she said ‘you know, that boy makes a very pretty girl, his mouth, he has very pretty lips’ I’m smiling ‘I had know idea that’s who he was, the transformation was so believable.’ I am so happy she actually watched it. We got back to the Oscar speech. After 15 minutes of me doting over the film.
I wasn’t expecting jaredleto to go first, I was not expecting it, nor prepared for it. I was so nervous for him, I got all kinds of sick to my stomach, when they said his name I threw my hands up in the air and screamed, then almost cried.
I got a little too attached to him through Rayon.
So back to mom and the oscars, she then says ‘I still wasn’t sure who he was until I saw him get on stage and really looked at him, wasn’t he that fellow you loved in that show, you know that show..’ Got quiet for a bit because I had no idea what she was referring to, then I said ‘My So Called Life?’ (That was almost 20 years ago, surprised she remembered) She said ‘yeah, that’s the one, I remembered his eyes, he is very pretty’ that’s a severe understatement!
I love my mom :).
And of course she loved how he dedicated it to his mother, that was awesome!
I’m so proud of these guys!
Most people who know me, know that I am very passionate about things that I believe in. When I say passionate, I mean that I give it my all, my 110% dedication, I eat, breathe, shit, shower and dream it.
Video killed the radio star, the radio killed the musician. There are so many songs that I hate now because of the radio over kill and unfortunatly Thirty Seconds To Mars was affected by this.
Jared Leto had always been Jordan Catalano to me. I have always admired him as an actor so when the radio started killing their music and there was such negative press about how “Jared actor now turned rocker” I just ignored the music and tucked him away as an amazing actor and went on with my life (how fucking stupid i was!)
When I first heard of Dallas Buyers Club I was very interested in the movie but I had just lost a friend to Aids…the sad thing is, I didn’t know he had aids until he died, he kept that secret very well kept. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to watch it. It was still too raw.
Then I had a dream…*giggles* those who also know me know how intense my dreams can be. Maybe it was all the humdrum circulating around Dallas Buyers Club, Jared had just won the Golden Globe, I was really itching at the bits to watch this movie at this point. I had a very intense lucid dream about Jared. I woke up the next day and wrote 8 pages pertaining to said dream and then downloaded Love Lust Faith & Dreams-Listened to it on the way to work and after work.
2 weeks later to the day I watched #Artifact.
This film certifies every feeling of love, inspiration, need, want, desire, RESPECT that I have formulated through my short relationship with the band, with a new side of Jared that I had no clue existed.
I am a huge Incubus fan, have been for 19-20 years, I would go to the ends of the world for them. They have literally scraped me off of the floor at times. Some of my Incufamily got nervous when they noticed that I took a tiny detour toward a new band…I started tweeting more, facebooking more, I will never leave my Incufamily, I have just been introduced to a new world of awareness that I never knew existed.
I’m happy that I have found Thirty Seconds To Mars now, when my brain is open, fresh and is alive. I’m able to experience them with wide open eyes and they are fucking amazing.
Before I saw #Artifact, I lived on youtuve for 3 days trying to find all that I could to watch pertaining to them.
I lose words when I try to explain watching them performing, watching Jared-it took my breath away and the trailer for #Artifact got me teary eyed.
His composure through this film-from day 1 of the lawsuit to the very end and making an album amongst all the chaos just blows me way. I can’t wait to watch it again, b/c I know that I will. (again &again &again &again)
Their passion is so overwelming you will have to remind yourself to breathe. I had to countless of times.
Between Incubus, Brandon Boyd, Thirty Seconds To Mars and @jaredleto, the fire under my ass of wanting to move to LA is really getting HOT! but I have no desire to be an actor, I’m not musically talented, I have managed local bands that friends have been involved in here and dibbled with PR but that was all just for fun…I wouldn’t know how to make that a career. Not even sure I want to. I’m a writer for fuck sakes. I just dont get paid for it…lol. That’s what holds me back…how do you make it there, it’s expensive!
I have a trip that I am planning for this summer to go there. Whether it be by myself or with someone, I’m not too concerned…I’m just going.
So I guess my whole point to this never ending dribble is I wanted to say thank you to them. To Jared for not giving up, for not saying fuck it all when he very well could of.
for those of you who haven’t seen #Artifact, find it on #VyRT for digital download or buy the DVD…trust me! It is worth it (and for my Incubabes, Brandon is in it, if that helps peak your fancy)
Peace, Love & Light
I recently refurbished my desk and after watching #Artifact I wanted to write but not this one finger nonsense I do from my phone, I wanted to stretch back in my computer chair that is older than me, spread my fingers out and type with 10 fingers like a madly inspired woman!
So I put back together my desk (which was supposed to cure for 7 days, umm yeah that only lasted a day) get my ass all cush and what do you know, the stupid piece if shit for a computer which I call either ‘stupid piece if shit’ or ‘the dinosaur’ after an hour of it pissing me off, ruining my calm center that I am seriously trying to maintain….washes out the window in a massive raging wave of too many choice cuss words that I will not share here.
I sometimes miss simpler times, the days before Facebook, Twitter, before phones were attached to our hands and our eyes.
Back in the day when we actually anticipated going home for that phone call or getting giddy when the light on the answering machine was blinking.
I still prefer owning albums, whether it be vinyl or disk just the same as I prefer actual books.
So leaving it with that, I’m putting pen to paper to write down my thoughts from watching #Artifact and also to warn whoever reads my very neglected blog that I will be posting very soon about the doc and if you haven’t watched it, get off your ass and buy it!
Peace, Love & Light
This is what the next two days of my life look like :) #knitting #stayingwarm